the condominium i have stayed in for almost two years now stands at forty-five stories high. from the ground below it looks like some skyscraper a scrambled mess of uniformity and abstraction. i live on the thirty-sixth floor. sometimes, as i stare up its great height, i find myself counting the windows, trying to pinpoint my temporary home from my blurry place on the earth below. around this tower of concrete there is only air. behind it the sky sits white and endless.
i live on the thirty-sixth floor. i find myself thinking: if i jump, i'd never survive the fall. maybe it is one of those high-enough cliffs that i'd feel myself falling for an age before the shatter. a breathless, screaming thrill before the end.
after looking my fill i bring my gaze to the path in front of me again, my mind returned to earth, and walk, steady.
i live on the thirty-sixth floor. once, i opened the door to the great open sky and met the eyes of the earth below. the height brought with it a vertigo i could not name. from here, the road below was perhaps as thick as a finger. my heart pounded in time with the shriek of traffic. my feet lifted onto my toes and i thought: the fall would **** me, easy. i thought: i am so small. the idea is comforting in the strangest way.
i step back, my feet refinding floor tile, hands fumbling for the handle, and close the door.