Your name rests on my tongue,
and I know you are my brother,
but deep in my chest where I know there should be an ache,
I can't feel much of anything.
Our friend misses you
when I can't properly manage to.

People keep talking about how things are better without you,
and it makes me angry
especially when I think about the act she put on when she woke up that morning.

I picked up that little red book,
and I put it back ten minutes later with shaking hands.

I dug my nails into my palms,
and I seethed with the knowledge I ignored.

I think about everything I lied about for you,
all the secrets I kept without you even knowing,
and all the things I endured,
because I love you
even though you left.

Yeah, you left at your first real chance,
and you didn't think about who you were leaving,
you just told me to lie for you,
and I did it.
I turned around and lied to everyone,
and now I have to pretend it's all fine.