Here between clouds and timezones
I’m listening to hella woman engaged
In life and realness
The couple next to me deeply in love
And I am present with sorrow
Clutching at my throat
Sobs caught in my chest
Rereading the words
As I again slice through
The emotional contrails
I leave in the sky
I had thought that I lost my muse
He is gone from me
But his shadow urges me still
To pen this turbulence
The green sparkle of his eyes
The soft scruffiness of his beard
The way he flowed through life
And tears ***** my eyes
Their thorny appearance
An admittance of the fact
I still long for him
To hear him speak of math, or art
To hear him flow
To hear his voice like a summer field
Sunshine and  mountains, and snow
I still dream of the 5th year
After we’d parted
We spoke in husky voices
What would happen if I arrive
On his doorstep broken
Lost
Alone
Have we now created this?
This future only whispered
Over whisky
Clutching hands and through tears
How I made him loose a tooth
How he replaced it with gold
Just to **** me off
How his mother still worries at him
How long he stuck with me
Through doctors to just find out what is wrong
How we turned into “that couple”
In Jackson; infamy follows us
The dream of our daughter
Mary Elizabeta
Fierce and thoughtful like her mom
Sharp and brilliant like her dad
FieryAuburn and burning
Too brightly for most
Suspended from standford
3 times for brawling with faculty
How she fights with Lily
Swords at the ready
she throws herself at my elder daughter
But can’t land the strike
The Klack of Shinai
The sound of Lily barking “AGAIN”
Mary’s angry frustration comes
through in her Kiai
How my son saved his life
Jury rigged an oxygen mask
To counter the stroke
Keep his brain alive
Together we grow old looking over the Tetons
Through tears and grasping for each other
Together we invented the best life I’ll never have


And I dream of it always