When I saw her for the first time it wasn't admiration It was awe mixed with a twinge of jealousy Her perfection and her confidence intimidated me
When I first befriended her it wasn't just adoration It was an obsession and a fixation To be like her in thought and action Till I learnt to be better than her without being enough That was when the insecurity started 'Will I ever be enough?'
I wasn't enough at home, not fair enough or smart enough I wasn't witty or flirtatious enough I lacked guts and I lacked the temperament Of a proper twelve-year-old. I was a doormat and a pushover Already coming undone at my seams Trying to emulate perfection through blinded eyes Every day I scoffed and surrendered to my picture of admiration Trying to secure her own admission 'Will I ever be enough?'
Then she left me battling my own wars Hers was to conquer new turfs. I waited for a while, finally realizing I was a ship without a captain, left to wander evermore. I caught a new captain in a bystander who counted his lucky stars I admired him for being there for me when I never was. I tried to hold on to an unconsolidated bond of friendship With a raging doubt piercing through my heart 'Will I ever be enough?'
Many came telling me my worth. Many left ravaging my already battered heart Many drank my colourless lifeless blood Many left a wretched bluish mark I shrivelled from the inside out Bloating in the nausea of my being Every day trying to put me together Every day losing instead of winning. One day finally I reached out Knowing my salvation lies I put everything behind me and cried out Only to be put on the side.
That day I realized my worth When she was hurt by my rejection When she refused to give me a chance When I had never received any ever. My insecurities still lingered But they were a part of me now And I did not know how to do without. I picked up the pieces that meant something to me Even though she was no more there to see Yet I knew that she was never enough Never my horizon, never my turf I had wings to reach farther And my flight has thus Now begun without her.
(c) Anavah 2018
This poem is autobiographical and written to my friendship with my childhood best friend. It is true that we parted ways and she was all I aspired to be for a greater part of my life but a part of me aspires to be more and that is all I strive to be.