But deep down, I already know that I don't apply myself enough. The actions I prioritize and choose to make of my own volition are not in alignment what I think is ideal for me.

Choosing to play a victim battling against his demons, with countless ups and downs. The story never hitting the ******, in fear and anxiety of what unknown variables comes after.

As I know to be true whenever I am down, I will go up. But when I am up, I do not take the actions to progress upwards even further because I don't want to increase the expectations of myself. So I am happy with these hollow meaningless victories against the "torments" of my mind.