I was three years old standing barefoot on the screened in porch in the summer heat you had a beer in your hand with condensation wetting your skin I asked and you answered My first sip of alcohol fascinated my three year old self Bubbles
I was six and wearing a white dress walking next to a boy in a suit down a church aisle Eyes fixated on the moment I would grow in my faith First communion came with excitement to me I tasted church wine for the first time Genisis
I was twelve and at Christmas dinner with extended family table set makeshift bar locked eyes with mine You poured me a glass of red a special occasion you said Acceptance
I was fourteen then fifteen then sixteen Every week a glass of wine with dinner A beer in the summer it complemented the steak You taught me to drink at home to know my limits To protect me from going crazy when I left home Normality
I was eighteen and a two-time college dropout The wine on the counter and a constant supply of liquor comforting A stressful day ended with a numbing to my feelings A glass away from silence in my head and an easy night of sleep from being mixed with my medications Routine
I was twenty when I realized a drink would turn into a few and a few would turn into asleep on the floor or vomiting and sitting in the shower for hours I was twenty when I realized it took more to get me tipsy than it used to that I needed to drink and when I did I wouldn't stop because what was the point unless you were drunk I was twenty when I started to jokingly call myself an alcholic I was twenty when my friends dropped the joking part I was twenty and tipsy and unable to legally drink and I had already become what everyone else in my family denied being
I blame you the three year old with a fascination of forbidden things the six year old who had an intrigue in the taste of communion wine the twelve year old who accepted the drink from her grandfather's ***** breath every holiday dinner the teenager who let herself drink at home in the presence of her parents who thought it would help prevent the inevitable the eighteen year old who learned the hard way life was a much crueler teacher than school and accepted the easy access to numbness I blame you for the twenty year old I have become