In the middle of the night
With sleep still in my eyes
I stepped into my kitchen
And received quite a surprise

As I reached out my hand
And flicked the light on
There were balloons, confetti, party hats
With a banner that read -WELCOME HOME-

I'd caught thousands of roaches
In the middle of song
They all turned and looked at me strange
As if I'd done something wrong

I heard a scream from the crowd
A foreign language to me
The next thing I know
I'm knocked down to my knees

As I'm being dragged
Across the linoleum floor
I see a little red button
That opens up a trap door

I started getting real nervous
The deeper we went
If I was a cat with nine lives
I think eight I just spent

They took me before the king
King Ralph Roach was his name
I only knew that
Cause that's what his name tag displayed

I was assigned a public defender
But that did me no good
He spoke Roach, I spoke Human
Each other we never quite understood

"GUILTY!"  Came the verdict
I hollered what was my crime!
"Interrupting a roach in the middle of having a good time"
Came the judges reply

Squishing to be my death
The day after tomorrows last night
I said that doesn't make any sense?!
Hey, we're roaches....we're not known for our timely insight

So here I sit in my cell
Wishing I could take it all back
If I had just not gotten up
For that late midnight snack

Wait....is that a tap, tap, tap
(You didn't think this was the end did you?)
As my hours getting late
A roach we'll call Chester
For anonymity sake

Told me to stop all that blubbering
I've come to break you out of here
I stood and we hugged
Which would be strange if it wasn't so weird

We slipped past room after room
With all kinds of parties inside
One thing you can say about roaches
They know how to have a good time

When we reached the surface
All I saw was blessed heavenly light
I went straight in and packed my bags
And gave the house to my Ex-Wife
(Okay, now it's the end!)