my life has never been mine

and ive known this to be true ever since i tumbled down a spiral of mental illness

and ive known this to be true ever since my parents became my greatest fear

and ever since id go to school but not a moment later come crying home

i am nearing 18 yet i have only been living in my brain
i am nearing 18 years yet i cant seem to remember any
i am nearing 18 and i am mourning my life and what could have been

i have lived with what i thought were building blocks of my life yet they have crumbled to dust
i am born and i have nothing not an identity but only features that mean nothing more
i could be all the people i see if my brain only were to be placed in them
but what would make me me?

i am nearing 18 and i am deathly scared and regretful
is this how life is supposed to be?