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nellie Aug 2020
i sleep with razor blades
tucked tightly under my pillow
i linger in smoke
stop
and smell
              flowers
i dig silver blades
in the heels of my feet
walk head    high
all womanly
i season my chicken
with crushed up - - -
          zolpidem
.                   .                   . z
z                  z                z
rub them in good
and nice
Made sure, all the flavors in.
i light my house on
?!!?!?!?!?!?!?! fire !     !     !  
maybe… some warmth will come in?
and let my head
rest in the air
- wait a second-
oh! what a mighty view!
    i might just be ?
        
n.b
nellie Jul 2020
as a young child
with a handful of dandelions in hand
and futures yet to be
i watch the flutters of the winds picking up
its seeds
with my little hands
i blow
and let the tiny dandelion seeds
scatter to the winds
with it the molecules of my breath
carries many of mes’
and sets itself on a journey,
to the ends of my lived earth.
it plants itself, gently
onto the heads and hands
of those that are destined with
what short, what long time it sees with me.
it stays there and plants itself like little trees
growing the seed that is the little me's' name,
smile and face.
and it creates imaginations, it creates dreams
it ponders upon the little me’s’ essence it ponders upon the little me’s’ dreams
with which little me carry, planted within,
with the names, smiles and faces of destined paths that are to begin,
and the trees planted in little me create stories, imaginations and dreams
with which some are tainted and some are at ease.
and like trees those little leaves of smiles, faces and names scatter and fall.
yet some carry on to strengthen at its core.

n.b
nellie Jul 2020
that i exist in this space and time
in this human body
that is mine
that i get up to feed
get up to ***
brush its hair
and teeth

sometimes i forget that im a face
that im a body that takes up space

i forget

i am
and i am to perceive

hairs on my arm
hairs on my face
eyelashes
my body
and its face

dually mine
i get shocked at the face that stares me back
in the mirror

i am your remembrance
once you remember me

once more
i look away and i
forget that i breathe
forget that my feet
stand on the ground and walk
as though a normal human being

forget what it is like to be
with others and with me

only remembering the panic of existing
as to uphold others memories of     me

n.b
nellie Jun 2020
its not the same anymore
i know more now
more than that broken child
that i still am
but i guess in some ways
- not


n.b
nellie Apr 2020
my manacled mind shaped heart
lavishly decked in red blooded fortune cookies telling futures that cease to exist and lonely storytellings of women in love
and the bitter resentment of dawn
and the dances of the silvery stream whispers of the unknown dipped in roses ready to be worn

n.b
nellie Apr 2020
Be as the concluded myth
that I exist
beating beneath your tongue
in the ****-all-in
intake of breath
that you take
before I decide ; I hate your guts
And let me ponder upon your words
Still my beating heart.
And let my mind know what it wants
know of its fractures
of its eternal return
to thoughtless words
and empty thoughts

let me Love you a little less
Hate you a little more
with the knowledge that My Mind
knows it all

n.b.
its been a while, do let me know what you think:).
nellie Nov 2019
love?
this emptiness inside
is it love?
is it what
the dreams
and stars of hollywood
are all made up of?
is this the fluttery
glittery
dancing feeling of
love?
is it your broken hearted gaze
is it your back turned towards
my chest?
is it your finger tips
that lay
reserved in another’s hand
is this love?
is this my bright
white wedding?
is this where
i throw my bouquet
and gleam to the world?
is this the same love
that mother used to
sing for me to-sleep
in my bed at night?


is this the love
that i will lay
in a grave
tunnel deep
for?
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