earlier, my friend diana called me crying. she told me about how she had surgery when she was younger and how it was life threatening. diana told me about how she could've died. and i quote, "i missed my chance.".

hearing this brought me to tears. i don't know what i'd do if she wasn't here. of course i didn't know her when she had the surgery for we've only been friends for a little over two years but hearing that, "i missed my chance.", that ****** me up. i comforted her and we moved on from it. throughout the phone call, we changed topics and laughed and smiled with each other.

after the phone call, i was in thought. i don't know what i'd do without her. she's my platonic soulmate, she got me through what happened with j. she's here and i don't know what i'd do without her. then i realized,

i do have to keep living. for my friends and my family. i have to be here for them.

i also hope, somehow, i can change diana's mind and make her believe that this life is worth living. the only thing i want is for her to be happy and feel like life can be beautiful. i don't know how to do that though.

i knew this already but after our conversation i realized how much she means to me. i love her so much. she's so important to me. i value my friends a lot. i would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat, without hesitation.

i just want them to feel happy. i don't know, i had so much in mind to write about, i was thinking of what i'd write as i was doing the dishes but now that i'm here, i'm just blank.