I’m not sure when I started
With small chubby child hands
I found this canvas in my mind
It stretched from wall to wall. Floor to ceiling.
It was so blank and I wondered why it existed
So for the first few years
A few canvases were filled with happy memories
Splotches of paint
Bright rays of laughter
And then
After I got older
Some were filling up with grays and blacks
I painted these endlessly
And then they started getting brighter
People were there
I painstakingly sharpened their edges
To make them stand out
To contrast
Except in the middle of these people
There were always these two figures.
And their outlines were smudged
They were blurred
They were smoky
Wisps curling from around them
And a part of me knew the shorter one was me
And I knew who the taller one was
The taller one was the constant
But sometimes
Constant steady presences can hurt
And I didn’t notice when my hands
Stopped being chubby and stumpy
I didn’t notice that instead
They became sleek a
nd flecked with tiny white scars
I  hadn’t noticed the paint
In swirling groups of flecks and blots
I hadn’t noticed
My left hand rising up with a sponge
To erase that tall outline that had been there for such a long time
And in its place I painted
I painted a clear defined question mark
And for a while
It followed me
And I was ok
I was ok with it following me around sometimes
And other times I wish I hadn't erased what I did
But one night in that seemingly half full endless chamber
Of canvases
I did something I ended up making something
Not like I usually created
I lifted both hands
I dipped them in this paint
I watched the droplets fall to the floor and splatter
And I realized something from me fell and splattered with them.
And when it did
This blank canvas bursted into life
I watched
I watched as paint seeped off of my fingers
Drawn into that canvas like a sponge
I watched as that defined question mark turned into a figure.
Almost my height
But slightly taller
And I watched
As all of these other canvases
Started filling with old memories from this rearranged question mark
And present ones
So I sat
And I watched