Shared grief may be "half the sorrow", but not for me.
How can I share my pain when I know it will make others sad or worried?
That would make me feel even worse.

What do I have to be depressed about anyway?
I have a good life.
I had a good upbringing.
I have friends and family who care.
I don't have to fight for survival.
I don't have to worry about becoming a casualty of war.

Despite having so much to be grateful for, I hate life.
I don't fear death, I long for it.

But I have to be strong.
Real men don't cry.
Real men don't have emotions.
This has been drilled in my head so much that I don't even know how to feel.

I know I'm upset but I can't explain why.
I know I'm upset but I can't even cry.

All I know is that I have so much to be grateful for,
But I would still rather be dead.
I can't tell anyone because I would feel worse for making them worried.
I can't express it because I don't even know how and real men are strong.
I don't know why I feel like this, but I can't get over it.