i watched you die over and over again.
i saw you disappear in your bed sheets instead of going to school.
i felt the broken pieces of your heart poke my chest when i hugged you in attempt to repair it.
the more puffy your eyes were,
the worse day it was.
i wrote you poems and letters filled with love and heartache.
i told you we were going to travel and i would get tattoos all dedicated to you.
in these moments,
and always,
i would break my back for you.
bu there's not enough hugs,
not enough letters or poems one could write to help your flowers flourish again.
it's been the longest winter,
and at the same time,
we never wanted it to end.
you wanted to hold on
and i had no choice but for it to consume me too.
there weren't enough hugs or letters,
there weren't enough friend visits and smiles to make things how they were before.
for i too quickly tape down pieces of my soul to keep me grounded,
to keep me from floating away
because

you

need

me.

you need me to be here,
to be strong for the both of us.
there were times where i couldn't be there.
those were the times where  i would stare at the ceiling,
sit on my flood,
cry for hours.
write notes for my loved ones.
"i'm sorry."
but i can see spring.
i can see the warmth.
i can smell the smell of morning dew.
i can hear the rain that heals us all,
most importantly i can see our flowers growing in our veins again.