I’ll never tell

I made the promise unconsciously
I closed the shutters
Nailed the doors shut
Pulled the curtains
To convince
I’m not sure who
That no one was home
So no one would hurt me anymore

I’ll never tell

Each time I tried
To dig the roots up
Pull out the rot
The thorns wrapped around my words
Bound them tight
With the shame
The anger
The fear
The pain

I’ll never tell

Rickety structures
Grew over me
Armor
Cutting the hands
Of any who
Came too close
I cut my hands
Trying to pull them down
To embrace them

I’ll never tell

It never belonged to me
Though the brand
Gleams on me
In the moonlight
When you tried to kiss me
How he did
Seems like only yesterday

Your eyes hold fear
Misunderstanding
The creature claiming me
I couldn’t stop
The roaring of my blood
The rising of the scream
I never let out
When hungrier hands
Closed on my throat

The colours the same
The smell the same
The hand on my thigh the same
The innocence of the embrace
The trust
How it all started

It’s not the same
It’s not the same
This is ma coeur
It’s not the same
It’s not him

My world shifts between
One of heaven
One of hell
I cannot find my reality
Not even to ease your fear
I could not stop my own
Rising like it did too late
On a night
So the same

I felt again
His bruising on my skin
Green and blue fingerprints
On my wrists
My collar bone
My leg
My throat
My hips

‘It’s so hot’ he’d say
As I shrank away
Not for the first time
It was our repeat routine
He’d always go too far
I’d leave him
With fear and shame

And he’d always be so sorry
‘I love you’ he’d say
‘There’s nothing wrong with this, this is normal’ he’d say
When I’d shrink from his hands
Tell him no no no
I’d tell him don’t touch me like that
And he’d say sorry
And do it again and again.
Tell me how unhappy it made him
If I didn’t let him do it

I don’t remember when I stopped trusting him
When i started to be afraid
My friends told me
It wasn’t normal
It wasn’t okay
When I’d finally share the secret
‘Get out of there!’
They’d say.
‘It’s not safe!’
But I don’t think they even knew
What was coming
What he could do.
I should have left him long before
It’s my fault you see
I taught him it was okay
To abuse me

In a way
My own nature and upbringing
Is to blame
I was born without a single desire
To fight
I’d bow my head and take the punches
Even as a child
I could not even play wrestle with my siblings
And they’d laugh and push me in front of strangers like a party trick
‘Look’ they’d say,
‘She won’t fight back’.

You see it hurt me more
To fight back
To hurt them
Than it did to be hurt
By them.

I was taught to love trust and forgive all
I was taught to be gentle
Even when the world isn’t gentle with you.

So I forgave
Over and over
Second, third, twentieth chances
Because he said he loved me
He was right wasn’t he?

Some part of me knew
My body, knew.
His lips on mine
Gave me a bitter taste in my mouth
I’d spit him out
I’d be repulsed
I stopped feeling like his touches were affectionate
And started taking them
Like punches

Everything was blue
It smelled like a new car
I was leaving him.
I couldn’t bear it any longer.
His pain was a violent thing.
I hurt with him
I couldn’t shut him out
I just wanted him to feel better
I should have known better
Than to reach for him.

I wrote it out
It still feels dishonest
So damning
Even now I cannot raise
Even a verbal hand against him
I don’t want anyone
To see the telling

I thought it’d be something
I could forget and bury
But this isn’t moving on
Sharing moments with my love
With his ghost

I’ll never tell
I promised
Because once I do
The witch hunt would start
And my life and his
Would be ruined worse
Than I am ruined
Already.

I’m sorry

You saw his branding
I saw how afraid you were.

I’m sorry
You have to share me with it.
I’m sorry,
My love, that

I’ll never tell.