there are many things that have not killed me, and yeah, i guess they made me stronger. but until those scars became strength, i cut myself on all those sharp edges of the shattered thing i had become.
and picking up those pieces was a slow and painful thing that painted my fingers, my palms, in bright cherry red.
i asked myself if it was worth it, bleeding fingers stuck in my mouth. just surviving was so exhausting. how was i ever going to muster the strength to put myself back together with duct tape and safety pins and so many disappearing purple glue sticks?
there was a comfort found in this state, my body found homeostasis in the barren battlefield of itself. i told myself i could build a home among the smoldering remains, could learn to love the black smoke that hung over everything i saw.
i told myself so many things while on hands and knees in hopes of finding who i once was in the dirt and discarded memories.
i told myself i could stay there if i wanted to, let all those sharp edges slice me into ribbons thinner than paper that could be carried away on the wind to a place that just didn’t hurt so **** much.
i told myself that giving up wouldn’t make me weak, just so very human. but a stubborn light inside of me refused to burn out, like the porch light left on night after night until you make it back home.
and i clawed my way out of that wreckage. and i’ve got the scars to show for it, the still sleepless nights and sometimes even worse nightmares.
but so many of those sharp edges have been rounded down into shapes that fit together more often than not, slotted into place to make something stronger than what and who and how i used to be.
i just had to survive the healing process first, because the getting better is what **** near killed me.