Suffering in silence, lacking compliance as I sit and wonder if I am going to be the father of a daughter or a little boy. If I will be able to watch my babies growth. With my luck, probably no. I have reached the end of my fall down the emotional stair case. "Am I falling into a distorted thinking trap", *Fallen into one already, I am trapped in my mind. Stuck inside a crushing hole, a deep grave in which I dug on my own. I stand on the outside of my mind, grieving at the grave of my lost mental state. Popping pills to stop my pent up paranoia, pulling out a pill bottle contemplating going ghost.

But no, I paint a smile across my face to push away any suspicion of my depression. Compressing the feeling of my contemplation torwards re-constructing my mental stability, but no. I cannot stabilize or regulate my self-hate, so instead I write it down knowing that nobody here knows who I am, just what I write.

*******... See nobody warns you, love is an addicting drug. Love is an addicting plug, Love causes more people a day to decide to pull the plug on their life. They choose to lie, they choose to die and commit suicide. But really, not me. I cannot loose what is mine. I cannot leave my siblings behind anymore, I will not end my life for just any *****.