Temptation to end the ringing in my ears
To ease the shaking in my hands
To slow the chaos in my mind
To **** the shiver in my spine

Am i getting heavier?
Or is the air around me pushing me down?

But it’s only me

Nothing touches me in this abyss
Because it’s a prison for me alone
Made by my own crippling self-doubt

By my ever-deteriorating mind, crazed and distraught
Is it that i still loathe myself so much, that i can’t stop struggling ?

If in the past
I only stayed alive to keep suffering
Why is it that after finding someone special,
And after finding tremendous love

I still feel like i'm suffocating?
Being slowly smothered out of air

What is it now that is holding me down?
Is it still only me?
Did i never free myself from my cage?

How can i stop my hesitations?
Whether it’s foot or tongue
If everything that comes out of me is processed various times before it’s even uttered
Why do i still stutter?
If every change in direction is fully thought through
Why do i still misstep and stumble?

What is wrong with me?

Although i don’t think of killing myself as cruelly as i did before, I still do think about it

I think about it every time my body seizes
From suppressed adrenaline
I think about it every time my throat swells
From the burn of suppressed anger
I think about it every time my voice wavers
From suppressed shame
And i think about it every time my eyes water
From lack of any hope.

When i think about it now

I hope to die alone

I hope to feel the surge of a few second drop
I hope to feel when i’m splattered on the ground
And take in the immense pain before i die

I no longer wish
To show you what the inside of my veins look like
I no longer wish
To tear myself apart in front of you
And pour my anguish out to you

"This is what you did to me"

No
Not anymore
Because the one to blame is me

"This is what i did to me"

This is what i did to me
Because i never figured out what it was i was supposed to do

And i couldn’t stop repeating the same mistakes

I can’t stop repeating the same mistakes

I keep repeating the same mistakes
I keep repeating the same mistakes
I keep repeating the same mistakes

Why do i keep repeating the same mistakes ?