Sometimes I want to be with people
But others I want to be alone.
When I say I want to be with people
I mean I want to watch a video
While you sit and drink wine
Though this is interpreted as rude
For me this is heaven
A place where no one is overwhelmingly happy
A place where there can be sound
But I am relaxed

When I mean relaxed I mean not feeling like my bones are melting in my chest
Or like my vocal cords are sealed shut

So when I'm in a crowded room of people chattering
I see my dog lying on the floor, untouched
I want to be that dog
To be that dog who no one expects to be talking or doing activities

I'm in that room a person though
Getting the life ****** out of me
My vocal cords shaped off
My bones melting in my chest

I smile back at there's but its fake
I feel like they know
They know how tired I am
How dark the bags under my eyes are
How shook my voice is

When my mother tells me to get off my phone
She doesn't understand that my phone
Is a task
a task to distract my mind from the noise
So when I put this down I am aware
When I am aware I am scared
When I am scared I do not function
When I don't function I can not talk so there is no right answer here