You would never put me on the cover of a magazine or on display in your trophy case of names that you carry with you but you never even bothered to find out that I didn’t ever care about being shown off, anyway. You probably hate that you need me and regret every time you tell me to stay, or maybe that’s just my mind playing tricks on me again. I like to think that I see the most truthful version of reality but these days my eyes are cloudy more often than not and it’s not entirely my fault. Your actions don’t always match your words and I can’t blame you for that because we are alike in that way, now I see how frustrating it is for others to deal with people like us. I held something very fragile in my hands but I placed it back down in fear of breaking it and now it’s too far out reach to ever have again, not with you at least. Some days it feels like we share a life and sometimes it feels like you don’t even want to be in mine and sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating and sometimes I just want to be smothered. I’m far too deep in this whole thing to ever look at anything with a clear mind again and so are you. I came to that realization the night you were two different people in two separate hours, one spent in silence and one filled with messy tears and kisses just moments before your 5am shift. Sometimes I love who I am and sometimes I feel like I turn into everything you’re thankful I’m not. I broke someone’s heart while you were playing with my emotions and I lied to him about the things I’ve done but please forgive me, I’m just learning the rules of the game. I don’t think I’m cut out for a lifetime of this, I think I messed it up before I even started. Some girls were born with pink smiles and flower dresses and were programmed to want to hold hands but in grade four I celebrated Friday the 13th instead of Valentine’s Day and in grade ten I was looking up the meaning of the word asexual and by grade 12 I had just accepted the way I was and then you had to come and open me up to things I’d never imagined feeling and you showed me the light and the stars and the purpose of love and why the hurt is worth it and you turned all my anxiety into energy and made it look effortless, too. We’re the same age but I hate that you hold power over me because of the things you showed me and I wish I knew them before you came along and I wish you weren’t the first but the last and I wish you could be both. I don’t think I’ll ever begin to understand the complexity of my own feelings or why I do the things I do and I think growing up is just learning to let it be, accepting that I will never have all the answers I so desperately long for. I could spend a lifetime devoting myself to writing about the first time you kissed me or I could get myself up and do it again with someone new. Starting over sounds like the most painful thing I’ll ever have to do so I’m just going to hang onto you for as long as I can until it doesn’t hurt to let go. I know that I’ll never be enough to satisfy your ****** up expectations for love and I don’t know why I would give everything to be exactly what you want instead of what you need and I don’t know why you would give me a second of your time never mind the majority of it, but when you finally see me how I see myself just please don’t make me let go