Are you happier now?
I wonder
I picked up the eye mask next to me
Noticed the polaroids of a woman
With her hand on your stomach
Like you belonged to her
But I awoke to your hands on my body
You cried about your dog
And were so disappointed
When I said
This can't happen again.

Sorry, thankful
Those are the two best words
I can use to describe
The cacophony that was us
I guess I'm glad
You were alone the night I called
You answered right away
Just like you'd been waiting this whole time
I wonder if you thought of her much
While I laid in your bed
And you held my body in your arms
And said how much you missed me
And always would.

A figment of your imagination
You said thats the only way
You can live on
Knowing I exist
Without you
You're proud you had me
You will always be proud you said.

I wandered up your stairs
Remember the morning gloom
Of ice and snow
When you and Enkidu
Slipped and fell
Through the weather
And I was nervous, scared
You were so stressed
But then again
You were always stressed.

Your eyes are so expressive
I tried to forget what they looked like all night
As another man worshipped me
And I remembered
What it was like
To try and be yours.

The pictures and cards were gone
No Enkidu to be found
But her spirit swept up through me
To say its okay girl,
I know you couldn't be here.

I glance through you on social media
To gauge where you are at
At times
I know you will move on before I do
At least by societal terms.

You often criticize but update
Appearing to look like
A we or a gentle
Man.

And thats okay
I'm fine with that
I love my freedom I said
I wonder where you are now
What kind of face you wear today
And in moments I'll day dream
About what you must have been like
In your office that day
Little notes and reminders left behind
Everything cooing who I was then.

But I am different now
Maybe you kind of are too
I don't think there is a second chance to be had here
Though I think of you with more softness now
But I can't be the girl
Who lightly puts her hand on your belly
Like she's proud to be arm candy
Or claim a quiet ownership
And I never was that woman.

Because I'm all my own
I stood alone in the Sedona Desert
Or at the top of the peaks in the Grand Canyon
Drank up my own wisdom and fortitude
I befriend the silence, the uncertainty
That I know slightly tortured you
Though with moist lips we tried to wish it away
So that I could be
Your little bird
Baby doll.

Sorry,
Thankful.