I used to think my greatest fear was drowning
but I made peace with the water
and I no longer fear it in the way I used to.
I respect it,
but it has no conscious ability to drown me.
No, my fear has changed.
I fear boredom
and the horrible apathy that it leads to.
My mind is constantly racing with thoughts,
plans for the future,
possible conversations,
ideas for poems, stories, and art projects.
As well as what could be considered impossible.
But that is too much to handle at once
so I normally can focus my thoughts into one outlet at a time.
But then I became bored.
Nothing I normally did acted as a good outlet,
and my mind wandered to more negative ideas
that I had to fight myself to avoid.

Drink to slow down the thoughts
No, there's a history of alcoholism in my family.
Keep eating food, more and more food
No, I just ate, I'm not hungry.
Smoke a cigarette
No, I'm ******* asthmatic, you idiot.

Once those ideas have been shot down
I try to get myself to do what I normally do.

You have an unfinished painting, you should finish it
Not interested
What about the story you're working on?
Doesn't matter
How about finishing your work?
Boring
Necessary
Boring

And nothing appeases it
because nothing makes me feel anything in that moment.
So my thoughts reign supreme
and they hammer in my skull.
I can plan out the next 3 months
and be right about what happens.
But it's not worth my mind caving in on itself.
It's not worth it.

I always say to keep mind over matter
but I realize the horrible imbalance I have created.
By valuing my mind constantly
I forgot what matters.

So I fear boredom
because if I can not appease it.
Apathy will be in charge
and that ruins everything.