allow me to indulge you with my philosophy
it has become apparent to me that throughout the course of my life
the same question has been imposed upon me
and i have given the same answer
until now
ask me what i believe is to be the greatest feeling that anyone can portray
happiness
it defeats all other sentiments on this earth
it surmounts rage, hate, fear, pain, and dejection
all things that others may find beguiling
i choose to believe they are mistaken
indeed
you can contempt yourself with woe
surround yourself with closed doors, pills, and solitude on the bathroom floor at 3am
you can seal yourself in a package with immeasurable bitterness and agitation
a disclaimer at the very top spelling out
“WARNING DO NOT TOUCH”
you can choose to seek gratification in tarnishing others
transforming yourself as a threat rather than safety
depict the gates of hell out of your insecurities
scorch all those who reach for you
shall i continue?
…
happiness
the apprehension that you wish to unlock
a notion one is granted
yet you choose to form an idea that it cannot be found
even when the key is set out in blindsight
the fundamental of this bias weighs solely on you
releasing yourself from the confinement you’ve been defined by
some may say they await the arrival of another
convincing themselves this “person” renders all qualities to set them loose
secluded by the gravel
there is no outlet without someone to uplift you
but your freedom is not disposed to you by another
happiness is not fed amongst the perception of others
believe me when i tell you
it is rooted from within you
it forms rivers and valleys out of your ache
establishes mountains of your inmost fears

i know of all these things because i myself have felt them
strongly
intensely
lightly
delicately
i spent so long in hiding i forgot the rich sentiment of the sun
i wasted months in the profundity of darkness
the appearance of light itself enthralled me
i shared a room with remorse and regret
revolted for all the things i had said
and all those i didn’t
i released wars amongst my waters
you’d be swept by vigorous currents and devoured by creatures whose only natural instinct was to **** the first thing in their sight
i was a depiction of all the things i wanted least to be
a perfect contradiction to all that i desired and was
yet
i cleansed myself from the agony
that i forgot how rich my skin was after all the dirt and excess was removed
i have grown fields of thorns out of the vexation of the words i spoke
but i discovered once i altered that hate into acceptance
once i deluded myself in self discovery
i was swallowed by hills of daffodils
that seemed to extend for miles and miles
i somehow came to peace with the fact that infinitely deep in all this chaos
there is beauty
i understood once battles have been fought it is for certain best to make amends
and this war
this frightful
terrifying yet
completely mesmerizing war
it was all against myself
and in the midst
i glanced around myself and i saw
so vividly the storm you and everybody else
including my own self
seem so confined in
a confinement we assume defines us
but it does not
because in fact
it entitles us to strength
it gives us a reason to strive for courage
a reason to lose ourselves in order to be found
the convincement that once we reach an everlasting winter within ourselves
we will be unable to walk in the rays of our own sunlight again
we will cease to grasp the howling of the wind
neglected to feel the intensity of it as it nearly sweeps us off our feet
preventing us from feeling and indulging ourselves in the unknown
to laugh to the extent we’re clenching our own stomachs
and droplets of purity leaking from our eyelids
the fulfillment of dancing in our rooms in the middle of the night
when everyone is dead asleep
yet we’re allured into another world of art
finding surrealness with goodness in everything we do and feel
even if at times it isn’t always as easy as we’d like it to be
making it seemingly impossible to view ourselves as more than the sum of our parts
but as the entire landscape of the person we are
to seize every moment and making it our own
creating a canvas with our smile and allowing it to illustrate things we never imagined we could create
but that is untrue in the most tremendous of ways
for i have finally seen myself
aware that there were and are parts of me that are for more prettier to view than the rest
because of this i took cover and hid in shame and ignominy
a wallflower sitting recklessly in darkness
forsaken in her own solitude to even attempt to step foot in the light
but i assure you once i did
once i had found myself
the seed planted within me ages ago
sprouted
beams of the sun showered me in constant radiance
the storms that passed over painted hues on every inch of my skin
that at last
i became a garden of my own
blossoming with begonias, marigolds and sunflowers
a vision of ecstasy to all that passed me
my kaleidoscopic shades fascinated all those in my presence
for i am no longer reluctant with who i am and was
i have found inner peace in the person i am
so go ahead
ask me what i believe to be the greatest feeling anyone can portray
and every single time i shall answer
…
happiness
-c. alejandra