I think I'm my worst psychiatrist.
While a good psychiatrist would diagnose the problem,
I create excuses for why the problem is there.
And then I create excuses for the excuses.
And then I create excuses for the excuses that originally excused the excuse.
And then I confuse myself with my own logic resulting in more anger, more confusion, and you guessed it, more excuses.

And ironically, this entire poem is just a big excuse.

I don't want to face my problems,
Knowing that they are nothing to worry about.
I'd rather cower at the "power" they hold,
Than try my hand at solving them.

But my hands are smooth, unbattered extensions of the very essence of me.
According to every person and history ever,
I have it perfectly.

And my hands aren't used to venturing within my inner workings,
Searching through the slimy and greasy machinery for the root of the problem.
No, my collar is white and my slacks are clean from top to bottom.

From time to time as the sun no longer shines,
My hands become restless.
They yearn to take a look within, just a quick little check in.
And nevertheless, I confess, I allow my hands
Entrance.

As always, I wince at the pain. It shocks me through my core. My eyes cease seeing, I begin to question my being, while my face is dripping in tears.
My surgery continues on
for seemingly years.

There's no novocaine or amnesia to numb the fiery emotions that release from my body.
Instead I'm forced to endure the awkward combination of these combatting feelings.

Then I finally rip from my innards the tight grasp of my hands.
They breach the surface covered in dark, black blood.

I don't feel much better afterwards, no I really don't.

I just create one final excuse.
That helps me wither away into sleep.

I know myself as much anyone else
But I don't want to admit,
Just as much as anyone else,
That I need help.