I arrived earth shattering Nails in my heels Ready to crack concrete Unwilling to be moved Feet firmly on the ground With a stubborn dignified silence Or a speech I'd rehearsed For the past three years Unsure of which I might need. He sits down in front of me Gaze avoiding Looking as if he can already sense the bitterness Already feel the heat Of all the space between. He orders something unfamiliar And I wonder if it tastes like regret Finally drinking down the consequence He poured for us both All those years ago. In his face I sense a shame And I think I'm supposed to be smug That this is supposed to be the retribution I craved for so long This meet - Him, with his cup of bitter Me, dealt a dose of sweet. I'd always envisioned this was the time I'd finally taste some vegence But all that's here is bittersweet Saturating the space around us Like there's no way to divide. He musters some courage to look at me Green eyes pierce Just as fiercely now as they did back then Stare right through the pupils To the insides of the girl Who's heart he ripped from it's chest. I can't even fight it It so immediately burns through All the pain All this strength and all this healing Every scrutinised thing I'd spent the last three years dealing with The never ending proverbial glue I'd used to forge myself whole Suddenly becomes redundant These cracks shining through. My feet are no longer steady I've forgotten all that made me reborn I was supposed to find my voice Salvage this final rise With an opportunity to bask in integrity And finally leave it behind. Instead I am 22 again Mesmorised Stomach churning He always did have the ability to melt the ice I built myself on Like no one else I've ever met. I hold his gaze a little longer than I should He reads my eyes like a familiar book And I know this game And how it ends But my heart is thumping his name against my chest So loudly It drowns out all the memories and words I've sat with every day since he left.
I purposefully forget to remind myself That he's the worst idea I ever had Because I'm staring at his lips And all I can think about Is how much I want them on mine.