Today, I lied and left a room full of people
I went and hid
sitting on the cold metal stairs
Halfway to the second floor because I knew no one would look there
if they tried to find me
It was so silent I felt my heart struggling to
stop beating
To match its surroundings
The lack of sound stifled movement
Slowed thought
The ringing in my ears such beautiful music
It dawned on me that
I have done this before

I have hidden myself away from lively people and colorful noise
sitting against cold ground, cold wall, anything as long as it was cold enough to bite my skin
Retreating from life even before I labeled myself with depression
I'm not making this up
I want to cry though my voice is statuesque with the rest of me
It is sweet relief, even if only for a second I believe
I am not some twisted monster
preying on false struggle for sympathy

I hear the voices of other entering the room I've run from
I know I should go back
But the silence, the silence
I remind myself what they have taught me
Sometimes you have to just do what is needed, because there is no other option
If the others can walk back in with a laugh and a smile, so can I

It takes a long time for me to convince my legs to get up but I do it

I walk away from the steps