how directly my attendance can affect my future...
no matter how much my
heart is pounding
my stomach turning over and over and over and
my brain in sync with it,
pumping red, hot, scarlet thoughts through my nerves
and my heart is pumping
red, hot, scarlet worry through my veins
and my stomach is filling with
red, hot, scarlet acid
about to make its way up
from all of this sickness. and tiredness. and nausea
and discomfort that has become my life lately,
i can not miss school.
god forbid i miss the exam reviews
god forbid i take a sick day
god forbid i try to care about myself just once..
you go around telling me to love myself more
to just be happy and be positive
to take time for my own needs
but everything depends on these exams
this red, hot, scarlet anxiety
surrounding me, adding on with every letter i write,
the red, hot, scarlet color of the pen used to grade,
to judge,
to **** my chances at college
or a future
or anything
or any happiness
and the red, hot, scarlet
and the white, winter, frost
and the blue, searing, cold
colors of the flags of our country
the land of the "free"...