in middle school,
i saw girls obsess over boys
chronicled every detail about them,
drew hundreds of hearts with their names in them
and now i wonder if it was a distraction
to avoid how much they hated themselves.
the ones that obsessed the most
were always the ones who thought they deserved the least.

sometimes, i try to explain my loneliness and lack of a partner.
everyone says that the first step in being in a healthy relationship
is loving yourself first.
i think im worthy, i think im doing my best, i love myself.
and yet, all i think i crave is for someone to love me as well.

i dont day dream about a boy with blue eyes that i can get lost in
i day dream about a man who will smile in the morning just because he's waking up next to me.
shouldn't i be dreaming of a man who makes me smile just by being there?

am i delusional? do i not accept myself as much as i think i do?
have a convinced myself that i have surpassed the self esteem issues that plague the the minds of every other girl my age because my desire to be perfect became so strong that it convinced me ive found self acceptance when i havent?

but if i feel as if ive accepted myself, shouldnt that be enough?
isnt believing youre in a mind state the same as being in a mind state?
so am i just broken? too self involved to ever find love?

i think maybe its that i dont believe in love.
in high school, i saw girls who hated themselves so much that they could not stand to be single.
if they couldn't love themselves, at least they could get someone else to.
and if they ******* love themselves, at least they had someone else that they could love.

sometimes im almost positive i dont believe in love.
my parents got divorced when i was young, dont remember what age.. five six..
i believe that it was the best thing that happened to my family.
i got to see both my parents more since they both valued the time they got with me more.
they were bother happier than when they were together.
but now my mom is an what i believe to be a pretty loveless marriage.
and my dad knocked up this lovely woman and now theyre married.
but i always remind myself that they only got married originally cause she was pregnant.

if we love ourselves enough why do we need the validation that we are enough from others?
why do i have to believe that some one else is so amazing that i couldnt live without them?
why cant i make myself happy enough in this world without someone else doing it for me?

i had this argument with my mom about ***.
she thinks im too promiscuous.
and for comparison, my mom is chill, she's not off base when she calls me out for sleeping around a lot.
i do.
i tell her i dont believe *** has to be intimate.
i dont need to believe that this guy is decent enough to date to want to ****.
i believe we are all human, with innate ****** desires.
i believe we are all human and we crave to be social and i believe *** is a type of communication.

tangent on tangent but back to love.
its not that im not open to it,
i want to make someone happy,
im skeptical of the idea of someone else making me happy.

and now i guess my conclusion is that i dont want someone to make me happy and then leave.
i never put myself out there when i like someone,
i pick people that will fall for me, but i dont fall.
im so utterly afraid of rejection because i believe that i am worth a whole ******* lot, and if someone else cant see that,
then maybe im not.