The words I want to say never want to come out,
even when I scream and shout,
my mind is just filled with doubt,
the words freeze in my every breath,
being unable to self express feels like death
and I can feel the pressure inside of my chest,
I can form a few words, maybe a sentence at best,
like a rope around my throat blocking my voice,
and then people try to tell me that I have a choice,
as if anxiety, depression, & fear would ever adhere to my will,
as if I could **** all the sadness with a simple thought,
but that's just not how it works,
because it still hurts no matter what I do
and I don't know how to explain to you
how I feel,
you can't see the pain but it's real,
and if I were able to show you I would,
but all I can do is just wish I could,
                   I wish I could..
I wish I could smile just like you,
and maybe laugh the same way too,
sleep & wake with a smile on my face,
walk with confidence in any place,
surrounded by people I know & love,
always looking up & above,

But no matter how much I want it to be,
that's just not me, its a fantasy,
can't you see the reality that I just cant and I don't know why,
and all I can do is just scream and cry!
wishing I could die because it's just too painful to be alive!
but I don't have the guts to do it myself,
even though there's no one else
to stop me from taking my own life,
ledge, led, noose or knife it doesn't matter,
I just can't pull the trigger,
yea I keep my life but my demons just grow bigger
as my heart & soul wither until I'm broken cold & bitter,
i'll sit here with a shiver,
trying to catch my tears before they fall,
wondering if I could have ever been happy at all.