It's just so hard to keep existing
Can't keep the walls up,
Because it's hard to do that alone,
And everyone can see
That I'll always be stuck on the outside,
From being too quiet
And too alone.

I know I have to stay,
But I really want to go.
How I "manage" is by finding ways
Of waiting till it's over.
I know I'll have to be trapped in a room,
Full of many others.
Everyone expects me to talk,
Without thinking I will only be distraught.

I don't feel people looking at me,
Unlike I've heard people say,
Instead I just get this harsh feeling of dread
That I can't be there any longer.
My insides feel torn,
Because I just have this feeling I can't explain to you.
All I can say is that I could never feel worse.
I want to escape but this is my curse.

I'd love to be able to talk to you guys,
But I'm afraid I feel I am breaking inside.
So just don't talk to me
And don't look close either,
And if I'm staring into space,
Then I don't want to be here.

If I'm supposed to be social:
Then I don't know what to say,
My heart will feel like it's floating away.
Heart palpitations are not what I seek,
Although I still happen to get them most weeks.
It's hard enough,
To wake up and think:
Today I have to get up
And surround myself with too many people and lost dreams.

I want to be social.
I would wish for it,
And sometimes I do,
But it doesn't seem like it will ever come true.
My longed for ambitions shall never be complete,
For they require social abilities
Which I cannot meet.
When I manage the simplest things,
That no one else has to think about,
I am just completely amazed at myself;
Like someone saying hello to me,
The fact that it happens
And responding back,
However after that one encounter,
I feel as though it's drained me,
Because I had just interacted
With another human being.