I honestly believe that whenever I am around people
they are silently wishing for me to go away
I look at their faces as I speak and underneath their smiles
I can see that annoyed look that people get
when they desperately want someone to shut up
When I am alone and away from people
I feel like the ones I love are happier and more alive
I think I drain people
I think the sight of me and the sound of my voice
is equivalent to nails on a chalkboard
Sometimes I imagine how much better off the world would be
without me in it
The thought makes me sad
I don't want to die but I am so tired of feeling like I am upsetting everybody in my life
I feel like a loser
a nobody
I can't express how I feel because people either think I am being ridiculous,
looking for attention
or some other kind of *******
I can't help the way that I feel
I get that on the outside looking in I am difficult to understand
I don't understand myself either
I try so hard to love myself but I can't
Sometimes I think I only try to love myself to please others
It's not that I don't want to love myself
I am incapable of doing so
I guess I am just tired
I'm tired of fighting with my mind
I'm tired of fighting with my self esteem
I am tired of giving my all and getting nothing return
I don't want an award or anything magnificent
It would just be nice for someone to tell me that they like having me around
or that they are proud of me for sticking around despite my constant thoughts telling me to go **** myself
I just want my existence to matter
I don't think that's an awful thing to want