so i went back into that room
and saw what i knew to still be there
covered in dust
blood
ash
and years of silence

not disturbing the scene
i closed my eyes to remember
the scent was still the same
death and fumes
and the quiet still deafened

but this is a necessary evil
i have to remember how to begin

and the floor still had my footprints
from years before
the blood, dried and dark
but they were mine
from where i last stood
in fear

i looked within the ashes
and found tiny footprints
the same as mine
all fleeing
toward me
and gathering around my own

and i saw where his led
out towards the door
wide steps that had paced and roared
black eyes
rolled over
like a sharks eyes
biting chunks from our souls
and i remember he called us ****
and he spat
he raged until he could not speak
spitting obscenities
clawing our soft baby skin

and we stood in silence
trying to remember
how to breathe

as he went
the door slammed so hard
the kitchen window cracked
we payed it no mind
but watched the door
holding hands and apron strings
holding our fingers to our lips
whispering
"please don't come back"

the sound of our silence
was the beginning
and now
i am in this room again
for myself this time
trying to to remember
how to begin once more

i take in the memory of that day
and again i lock it away
where it belongs
where it has lain dormant
for so many years

but now
now i add another
to the shelf alongside

this little memory box
burns my fingers
as i hold it
just this one time
as i put it in it's place

this one is made of teeth
and not bone
like the one before

it will be placed with the others
out if sight
and far out of reach
of my heart

i step out of the ashes
and leave behind
the tiny footprints
that had followed mine
out of this room
on that day

small, bloodied and wrecked
but still they followed
holding hands
and apron strings
following me
as i led them home

and this is how i remembered
how to begin
as i stepped from the room

i went to my children
with my heart in my hands

and in return
they gave me their love
to cushion my heart
they told me the things
i had forgotten

they told me how to begin
how to love

no matter the blood
no matter the ash
no matter the bone
no matter the teeth

i know i had forgotten
so many things
and they gave me in return
the thoughts that i had lost

upon their blessings
the hate in me cried out
as it was loved into submission

tiny feet led me by my apron strings
showing me how
i had once shown them
how to begin again