somewhere within myself I am/there is a little girl crying,
love me
love me
into the dark.
I keep moving and
don't look back,
don't look down
and try to grow stronger
so my self cannot be pierced
and hurt the little girl I am/inside.
skin colored armor becomes thicker,
until I am the armor itself,
folding in on myself into a package
of impenetrability.
I am full of holes,
full of contradictions, though,
and I cry myself to sleep, crying
love me
love me
into the dark.
it is the quiet kind of crying
that tries not to bother you
don't mind me
it mumbles
don't mind me
the words claw out of
my skin-colored armor
and are too tired to be loud when they emerge

when this happens
I hide under my blankets
so the words are birthed out of my voice into the warmth and the dark, like a child should come into the world. in the dark it is easier for me to pretend everything is okay. it is easier to fall asleep/in love in the dark.
the only times I am not afraid of the dark are when
I am too sad and tired to
be afraid of what might be there.
when I am no longer afraid, it means I finally embrace what waits in the shadows . it means I give up. it means
I surrender to my weakness.
it means I'm tired of being armor, being protector, and want to be protected,
to be
loved.