i swallowed my fear,
ignored my sadness,
laughed off my self loathing,
and danced on the edges of my instability.

now I'm sick to my stomach
with a growing tremble that demands
I pay attention.
my jokes have gotten old
and i can no longer pretend
i don't have two left feet.

i've been traversing this landscape
with my eyes closed,
and so far my steps have been lucky.
so lucky, to any onlooker
it might seem I can see just fine.

finally the reality of the situation
has found its way to my heart
and my hands.
i'm wandering alone,
bare to elements
and completely blind.

the late onset of my panic
could be a product of shock.
i've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off
for the past three months.

for three months i've been
burying any negative feeling
or thought
deep inside this decaptitated body of mine.

but holy hell,
i'm bleeding out
and the shock has worn off.
my eyes are open to vastness
that is unfolding in front of me,
and i'm still just as lost.