We lived it out
Gave it our best shot
"I use to get so caught up in her contradictions"
Watching through footage like I might discover something
I've been peering into the past
The last few days
Because I think I might understand now.

Its nothing new
Nothing I haven't been told 20 times over
But for the first time
I can look and think on you
See that your rage stems from the inner hurt
I was so much more than we could be.

It was in the moments
Where we secretly held hands underneath
Scrambled eggs
Or how you grabbed me late into the night
"Do you know how much I love you?"
"I wish you could see you the way I see you."
I fell in love with how I thought you saw me.

It wasn't you
Or what we had
It was in the belief
That I might could be so treasured at the right time.

So I jumped in
I watched it through
I held a slate and yelled action
You were the most nervous of them all.

I see you now for what you really are and were
And still, I would sit across from you
Extend my hand
And give you nothing but love.

It makes me scratch my head
That you had to do what you did
My best friend says you don't think
You just do
And thats what severs and killed us to death.

That will never change
I put on a pair of spectacles
Thinking I might could orchestrate
How to indicate to you
That I deserved better.

Its weird to think
That this place was sort of yours too
That I was yours
I made it feel good, didn't I?

And thats the rhyme and reason
Why you cannot bare to see even the image
Of my face.

I saw on Instagram
That your new girlfriend
Is single now
She hashtagged single
How did it feel to deny every inch?

I forgive you in my head
Somewhere, somehow
As stupid girls say you are good
They only have their best interest at heart.

But I nod and move on
Upgrading my life with tenacity
Those around me voice a congratulatory worry
But if I don't jump in and just live it
Then I'm just dreaming.

And thats what separates me from among
And within.

I dated my cellphone
This time last year
So yes, I can sing and say
I'm just distrusting and wary.

But the forest floor
Reassured me with abundance
I needn't suffer
Or focus on a lacking of love
Its all around me
Its all around me
Among and within.

Its healing to write
So thats why I do it
My production designer writes a new script
She told me she used my film as a template
And she's slowly been erasing it
And it made my heart pump
A little harder.

I don't know
But thats not entirely true
Yes I do.

Perhaps in time
We can nod in a kind way
A fear bites into my head, my mind
At the thought of hearing your name a thousand more times
Or how my hands must go behind my back
The moment we lay our eyes on each other
But I see you as you really are
A miniture diminutive experience
That welcomed me in purple shorts and a yellow shirt
And all the while

I knew.
I just knew.
So thank you for teaching me a thing or too
And I trust me now.