I guess I did too much
Tried too hard
Opening and closing
Closing and opening
Slamming shut like the pitter patter of my heart
The final moment I left your face on the train
And I knew in my autumnal orange pants
We like the first Chicago winter
Would too, fade away.

Its summer now
A beautiful crisp hot
This time last year I defined myself
With a vulnerable acute newness
I was afraid to take the bus long distances.

I started to run
Toned my body up
Lately, all the pressure has put its immediacy aside
My room mate brings home boxes of ice cream
I didn't eat 20 dollars worth.

Theres numbers and jobs
Emails, words, plans
Floating and drifting over my head
Like when I use to leap and hit the basketball net
Remember how I beat you both at pig?

I talked about you a lot tonight.
You are like a vat of worms
Once you are opened
The goo and dirtiness all over my hands
I can't simply stuff you back into
The vat.

But I try
I let others do it with their reassurances
They close the conversation with ribbons and wise words
I find strength and resilience through it
I could write for eons about it all
But it wouldn't change
That you will always see me
As the villain in the arena
We jousted in.

I guess I killed you
With my joust
Watched you fall off your small horse
The crowd applauded so loudly
My insides shook
And I could write so many sonnets
I hope my picture affects your wounds
But I can't help you back up.