your heart thumping next to my ear
i hear it and i can't even focus on
what you say
your hand is on my head my shoulders
my hips my back
i hear only the thump-1-2-thump-1-2-thump
and i wonder if my heart beats faster
and i want it so desperately not to
i wonder if this is your usual heart rate
i want to study you and take your pulse every day
find how often this heart rate comes to you
is this faster than normal? is this slower than normal?
is this normal?

i hear the steady beating of your heart and i can hear
your throat
rumble above me and your chest responds and i hear
i hear the pumping of air in and out of your lungs
the hands that are in my hair, on my shoulders, hips, back
nowhere inappropriate
and my legs are beside yours

and i wish i had the courage right now to sit on your lap
look deep into your eyes and kiss your hands and
ask for you
and for your attention and love
have you at my feet
carressing the spine of the arch of my feet
with your finger pads
like you caress my hair right now
i want to nibble on your pulse, your throat and kiss
the chest cavity that hides the thump-1-2-thump-1-2

i want to hear your voice rumble above me in laughter
and hear you hum close to my ears
i want to hold your hands and kiss the fingerpds
that you touch my feet with
i want to stroke your back when you're upset
and hide you away when you're upset
because i know, like me,
you never liked letting people see you cry

i want to wrap my hands around you and scratch you on your head
behind your ears
i want to be the one to make you laugh

i want to be the one you talk about and blush
the one always on your mind

i want to sit uncomfortably close to you
and initiate contact
make you go red with a peck on the cheek
hear you thump-1-2-thump-1-2 faster
when i lie beside you to watch a movie
or just talk
stare at the ceiling or stars
something


i wish and i wonder
if i only like you because
i can hear that thump-1-2-thump-1-2
in my ears whenever
i have need of you

but you
you never felt the same way,
did you?

i freeze when i look at you
and i get a little breathless when i see you smile
when i see you walk
sit or lie down and
i lose my breath a little bit more
when i see you

but i always see you with someone by your side
or you don't see me and
and i don't think this is a safe bet
i don't get close
i don't play vulnerable
lovestruck
or infatuated
my neck feels good against your hands, i hope
because your hands sure as hell feel great against mine
*but i don't do vulnerable
lovestruck or infatuated