i find myself unable to sleep, crippled. lost confused this anxiety riddles me with questions memories & fears.
i rememeber the first time you touched me i felt needed i felt at ease i felt comforted your hands felt like home your words sounded like a song i felt alive. i felt love, or atleast, what i thought to be love.
why did i find home in your hands? why did your hands offer me a place my father never did? why did my fathers hands feel like foreign land and his voice sound like an empty room? i found missing pieces of my father in you in your touch your voice your laugh
the moments of touch felt like pleasure unleashed but when you would leave i would cry and try to scrub, scrub my sins away scrub my hate away scrub the distaste away scrub my own skin away, because it felt foreign.
why did i find pleasure in sin? why did i find joy in the pits of hell? why?
why are you here again, touching me. loving me searching for a release in me.
i should have said no, but i never knew how to turn down love or what looked like it.