Every time I remembered you, I poured myself into the closest shot glass I could find and sent me down on any boy that was willing to drink me in. I hoped that all of my emotions would be replaced with quick goodbyes and a lack of exchanged phone numbers. I tried to push you out of mind every time he pushed further into me. I pretended to forget to whisper your name when gasping for air with shallow breaths in between the spaces of his moans. I even prayed to my God of Sin that one day I would replace you with a stranger’s touches and meaningless conversations.

Whenever we were together, I acted as if I resented every moment with you, only because I knew they were too good to be true. I never understood how someone could make someone else feel so much happiness and so much hurt at the same time, but you were excellent at that. I would be by your side right when you asked for me. You would compare me, belittle me, and finally crush me with words all about my imperfections. But I worshipped your crooked smile and distant eyes more than anything else. I would save up all my best jokes for when I was lying in your arms just to see your crooked smile. I would save up all my best outfits for when I was going to be with you just to see myself as the destination in your distant eyes.

But you were gone before I got the chance to keep you. I was lost for so long when you left without an explanation. I cursed every body that you touched that was not mine, and for every one body that you touched, I touched four. It became a game, and I was the only player. I was the only loser.

Suddenly, I realized that I liked food more than you. And the smell of rain. And car rides at night. Suddenly, I realized that I like many things more than you. So now every time I remember you, I also remember that you were not as good as a hot fudge brownie tastes, and you were not as fun as it is to sing with the windows down.