Have yet to wash new ink today
I turned my phone off last night
What a freeing thing
It was the nicest thing I've done for myself
In a very very long time.

I'm not sure how to feel half of the time
Toying with straws, trinkets, moments come and gone
Crying on the train ride home
Luggage and baggage my middle name
Like the sword across my back
Everyone sends me messages
Admiring my bravery, strength
There was a millisecond where I believed them.

I'm not sure where this all goes
Or how my life begins or takes off
I want everything and I need nothing
A man child cocooned in blankets yesterday evening
From two hits of ****, he couldn't drive
Baring tattoos and his past divorce
I thought, I thought
In my nice, kind tone
Get the **** out of my house, my space
There is something so deep within me right now
That can no longer be a care giver
A mother, babysitter
I would so much rather surround myself
With palettes, poetic words, and humans of the now
That I am not responsible for.

Not really sure why or how
But clearly I'm meant to carry my luggage alone
Cooking breakfast for a past coworker
She talked my ear off, I listened
So cool, so collected
My God, I've been through so much.

This is the moment, the time
To take a step back
Reflect, take note
I knew my life was so drastically going to change
The first year was bound to be rough
But my God, my God
I felt it in my hair and in my soul
You were nearby, thinking
Of me, on top of you, my voice echoing your name
And how we would FaceTime everyday
My women warriors say you adapted to my wallpaper
You tried to be everything I needed
But you failed in the most theatrical way
We failed,
In the most theatrical way.

Nothing left but blink and markings on a page
I keep tabs on myself
Keeping you away.

Show up on my film set, if you are brave enough
I'll treat you just like another actor.

Disappointment and let downs
Primarily in just trysts of love
Brooklyn Boy asked me if I was seeing anyone
Over our cheap mac & cheese, red wine
Candied and sticky like our lips
When I wrestled him in the dark of
Central Park
His kisses meant nothing to me.

Thats just where I'm at
Thats just where I am
A man said to me last night while he was too high
To leave
I wanted him to leave so much
"I like you. I really like you"

I don't care.

It worries me sometimes that I have grown selfish
That I care too much about me
As blurry faces repeat and echo around me, the voices of men
"My life has to revolve around ME right now!"
"Me Me Me Me Me"
And it makes me think back to the moment
Peter Pan whispered
If you were a man you would hate yourself and be everything you don't stand for.


It didn't make much sense then
It still doesn't now
Gotta acknowledge the manipulation and ignorance
But my God my sweet foolish mother
Don't tell me how pretty another girl is
That he kisses on the cheek in pictures.

I screamed on the floor
But after my release, I rose up
Got it together and moved forward.


Thats whats different about me now.
I scream and I cry
I release myself alone at night
I turn my phone off to be kind
I lay down the law, but make room for everyone
I look in mirrors and have to remind myself
That I'm one of a kind
I don't know what I want
Happy March 2016
The women and I lead the revolution
I just wanna make a difference.

A little, a little at a time.