unbelievable the breadth
of what I have to regret with every breath
you could fill a lifetime with it
I have, and now I have nothing left
monsters in the dark
what I have puppeteering my heart
I’m a phantom of a man and deserve to be apart
from the one I love, the lover I chose
the one who saw my soul exposed
and was driven away

I’m horrified and confused
at how easily I can abuse
how can I be so infused with bipolar?
and why would anyone choose to stay on that coaster?
but what does that matter when I drive them away?
What do I matter? so tattered, who am I at the end of the day?

failed father, alcoholic, no apologies to erase what I say
I’ve already said this but now I’m screaming it night and day,
I am a monster
puppeteering her heart
eating her whole with every memory of my part

but this isn’t how it was meant to be, I love her when I’m me
how can that be taken from me so easily by chemistry?
and with all of my sickness what else could I have been or every be?
when my self, isn’t meant to be healthy

I would take my own life, not to end my misery
but to extend an honest apology
all I ask is that she know that I didn’t intend any insanity
I didn’t know it could get this bad, that I could sling such brevity
and now with the loss of this all I want to say is I am sorry, Ashley baby
......
seven days now I’ve cried until I choked
lost my step walking because I sobbed so hard
now I cry in doctor’s offices and they say I should’ve come sooner
I’ve lost her
I lost my best friend, dear god I miss her
but I love her so much I am honoring her memory by getting help

I’m so ******* sad