is it really so much to want to be loved
when i love so intensely
that it threatens to engulf my entire self
a rip current pulling me out
into a sea of longing that will never
be reciprocated
the pain is the searing of salt water
filling up my lungs
starving me of oxygen
and i welcome the blackness that
covers me in its warm embrace
how can i feel more love in
death’s arms than in the look you give me
your evasive maneuvers
hiding yourself from me when
i’ve laid myself bare

and is there anything more painful
than unrequited love from
the one who i have come to trust
implicitly
yet can’t utter that one word
can’t feel that emotion
can’t love me
the broken and beaten
sullied *****
and i see the fear in your eyes
the distance you put between us
a football field that i can’t traverse
mine-filled
though the sport was once what
brought us together
and you told me that i was different
from any other female you’d
encountered in the wild
the untouched forest of your pain

you made me feel special then
convinced me to stop running
to hang up my battered sneakers
and allow myself to cross
the finish line of my marathon of avoidance
you somehow assured me that
fear
my infernal terror that until then
could not be assuaged by proclamations of
safety

but i trusted you

and i never knew that trust
would lead to love
and the pain of that longing
would threaten
no
promise
to consume me whole
leaving only my bones to
bleach in the burning sun that
was once powered by my
immense love for you
that would never be reciprocated
because though you told me to
abandon my fears
yours still live in your holy of holies
which i am not allowed to regard

i never knew i had the capacity
to love
to let myself be opened up
but you cracked my ribs and
tore out my heart
without even apologizing
for the broken promises
and the erroneously created dreams
that i saw for us
a happiness i was certain i’d never know
and now i know
it’s true

at least i was right
in the end

if there was
even a modicum of chance
that you’d return my declaration of love
i would shower you in reminders
but no shower can wash away
the excruciating ache seated
in the exact center of my chest
that word
love
the only thing i ever want to say
to you
to lay everything out in the open
and to embrace the forbidden

i’d tell you i love you
constantly
if i thought there was even a
minute chance
that you love me too
but i suppose
along with my capacity to love
did not indeed come
a capacity to be loved.