i am now 258 miles away from home which in retrospect wasn't my best idea because that's 258 miles of land and water and trees and cities that separate me from you.

i don't remember what it was that first drew me to you because there are more reasons than numbers in existence and i wish there weren't any reasons because now all i think about is you.

some say that holding on to someone who left you is pathetic, some say its tragic, and some say it's romantic.

personally, i don't know what to think because sometimes i find myself crying into my pillow because i'm so disgusted with myself but sometimes i daydream about us and what we could've had.

but most of the time i either feel everything at once, my feelings crawling around under my skin and in my muscles and bones, trying to claw their way out and expose themselves

or i feel nothing, as if my body has suddenly stopped producing hormones and chemicals and i'm just a dead man walking. it's been 4 months and i still haven't figured out how to manage myself.

i'm coming home today which is great but in retrospect it wasn't my best idea to buy tickets because now that's 258 less miles of land and water and trees and cities to separate me from you.


-m. j. g.