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I woke up to watercolors on my ceiling. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. The conversation I had had with myself the previous night rang in my head like echos from the moment consciousness scooped me up in its gentle hands. Things had been shaken, things had been settled, and I now felt weighted with sweet comfort. Sun shone through my blinds in rows, and I felt myself recognizing every piece of dust with a smile, as they danced around in the golden light. I had seen it many times before, the light coming in my window, but today I was fascinated. It was new. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. After a few minutes of laying there, I decided it was time to get up. Not because an alarm went off, or I had somewhere to be, but because I wanted to. The windows in my kitchen greeted me with views of a neutral blue sky and clouds that seemed to do as they pleased after a long night of rain. Grass looked greener and so did the trees. The river could be heard even from up here on the hill. Everything seemed more alive than yesterday. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. I grabbed my favorite mug from out of the cupboard and made myself a cup of tea. It felt like a chamomile morning. As I stood at the counter waiting for it to brew, I felt my dog nudge my heel with her nose and lean against me as she moved past me to her favorite spot in front of the heater. My heart twitched. She is my favorite “Good Morning.” And I knew today was gonna be a good day. With my tea and a blanket in hand, I went to sit outside on the porch swing. Not because there was someone to sit with, or because it was warm, but because I wanted to. It was a cool morning and the air smelled of damp earth. That is my favorite smell. With no wind the air hung and pressed against my warm skin, sharing memories of all the places it's been. In the lungs of my favorite musicians, in the presence of the most talented writers, to places around the globe that I have yet to explore. We shared and we wondered and we loved and suddenly the wind blew and I no longer had anyone to talk to. I didn’t mind. I knew today was gonna be a good day. I sat there on top of the hill, feeling like I was on top of the world, and I admired this life for what it is. Not for how I’ve been told it’s supposed to be.
The hurt you left me doesn't lie,
And all the feelings till late july.
Everything that you had said to me,
Got you farther and farther out to sea.

Between your quick tongue and wicked intentions,
There were some things that i forgot to mention.
I knew all the games you were playing,
Yet i always had decided on staying.

You can say that you loved me,
That you treated me well.
I guess the pain you caused was subconsciously.
But seriously, go to hell.
It's refreshing, knowing you. Its a deep breath of air when you're smiling my way. Its a jump in the lake when you're holding me. It's a cool glass of water when you're talking to me, about important things, silly things, anything and everything. It feels like a breeze on the hottest day just to talk with you, laugh with you, be with you. You're something new to believe in, and your heartbeat has quickly become my religion. You're something so special, you're the first day of fall.
It's been weeks, maybe months, im not all that sure. I've been going through the motions, trying to distract myself, **** my tears in, paint the corners of my mouth up to my cheeks. Trying to look strong, independent, trying to look just fine. Because that's how i've pictured you. When i see you, which is only in my head anymore, i see you with a big smile and both hands full of joy. I see your eyes even bluer since the last time i looked into them, I see your hair with the ghost of my fingers twirled in between. I see you, happier, more care free than ever. You look free. Free of me. I hope i look free of you. I hope i make it seem like i'm okay with the fact that you're not here anymore. I hope you don't see right through me. I hope i'm fooling everyone.
If i would've tried,
Would you've stayed?
That's a wonder of mine,
That keeps wasting my time.

If i would've said it,
Could you comprehend it?
I can't believe i didn't say,
And instead let it eat me away.

If i told you i hated you,
Would you ever believe it?
It's a dangerous affair,
When both feelings are there.

It's something i can't change,
So i will stop the nostalgia.
And instead of feeling it's you that i lack,
I hope and I pray that you never come back.
I look forward to the day i can look back on this and smile. Smile like i used to. I see myself in those photographs and i can't help but notice that i don't look, or feel, the same.  The roses are gone, along with the wrinkles and flames. And i feel flat; Like a paper person. Every step i take and every move i make i am worried about tearing. "It could tear me, he could tear me, this could tear me." I can't do anything anymore without thinking, "is this gonna hurt me?" And that's because the thing i never thought would bring any harm to me, did. He did. And he brought a lot of it. I've lost the person i was in loving him. In the pain, in the joy, in the passion. I look forward to the day i find her (me). I look forward to the day the roses return to my cheeks, as well as the wrinkles to my nose and the flames to my eyes. And i can look back on this, and smile.
I'm at a point of peace.
This life i am creating-
Feels like a masterpiece.

With every second,
I can recognize a blessing.

Although it is far from perfect,
I have become a proud architect.
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