8 hours ago
I can't wait till I don't give a ******* ****.

I slept so little last night
As my blankets all washed into the night
Soaking, sopping wet
I slept with sheets and one blanket
I dreamed of being so cold.

I wonder what your dreams were filled with last night
It would be so easy to reach out to you today
To apologize, to say lets work this out
But I cannot.

Most of the moments that I have experienced
Since relieving myself of this
Has been immense relief.

I replayed in my mind, rewind
The last few times we were together
Little plaid skirt pulled up,
You sneaking peeks at me on the bus
I told you I adored you
You made sure I was okay when I blacked out in your bedroom
My nails are painted so yellow now.

Holding me in the morning
I said your name in my sleep
As if knowing or longing
To leave.

I walked out the door of your house
Not for the last time
But for the last time I would allow myself
To be in the palm of your hands.

I remember briskly walking into the sunshine
Make up from last night so smeared
You were so insistent about seeing me that night
Only to fall through, but make plans
With another
At your next convenience.

I guess I get it
No, I actually really don't.

I couldn't hang.
Its really as simple as that.

I tried to play the game, spin the bottle
Chess pieces, checkers, scrabble
But mid game
I jumped out of the cab
But didn't come back.

You said you would have spent the rest of the night
Looking for me in the streets
I wonder if thats true.


Allowing moments of pain to seep through
At the loss of my romantics with you
But we had tiny miniature moments
Of friendship
I've just gotta, gotta
Be able to look you in the face and want nothing else.

I hit the wall yesterday morning
Where I realized everything
It doesn't matter how much you worship me
How much you love
It doesn't matter
If you can offer me your time next week
It didn't matter that we were on the brink
Just like we had been before
But you threw in the towel
As I was ready to keep fighting
But this time

I gave you your precious poetry
I gave you the gift that we will probably
Never watch together now
(I have found peace with that fact, I know you have not.)
I meant something special in monumental moments
And you voiced your fears, your vulnerabilities
I didn't want to wound you
But no one was going to get out of this alive.

But whats different now
Is that I feel less scarred, betrayed
Just so ******* glad I stood up for myself.
Just so ******* glad I stood up
So glad I walked out
So glad I walked away.

I love you.
I care about you.
But its not enough.