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Jan 2016
"I want to lose a few pounds"
"I want to love myself"
"I want to be thin"
one step
two steps
three steps
you're in
it's got you now.
probably forever,
maybe longer.
you started with some healthy foods,
but then,
it's harder to eat anything at all
"Make me skinny"
"Make me happy"
"Make me perfect"
the little butterflies of teenage girls,
screaming inside their minds,
fluttering their wings
anorexia is glamour
bulimia is ease
eating disorders are the way to go,
it's so easy
who would have guessed?
distract yourself here,
skip a meal there
but then,
your body starts to feel it
it hurts
you hurt
everything hurts
you mess up
you eat everything you see
your body craves nutrition
you can't have that
you have to get rid of it
stupid, stupid, stupid
how could you be so disgusting?
you read this online once
those girls...
the ones with eating disorders
they eat a lot,
and then they throw it up
one time won't hurt,
it's just once
you feel better,
almost instantly
10 pounds
everyone is worried
you seem sick
you look sick
you are sick
they're crazy
you're not "thin"
you're not "happy"
you're NOT "perfect"
you're not sick.
"Recovery will save you"
"Recovery will guide you"
"Recovery will rescue you"
you shouldn't
you won't
you can't
but you have to.
the doctors are everywhere now
then comes weight gain
you can't even look at yourself.
10 pounds
you're fatter than when you started
but it's not so easy anymore
you keep eating
and eating
and eating.
puking ten times a day,
maybe more
but you're not getting rid of enough
"You look so healthy"
"I'm so glad you're better now"
"You've gained weight, I'm proud"
every mirror is a mental breakdown
you can't be sick
you're fat
you're revolting
you're a pathetic excuse for a life.
lose it,
lose it,
lose it.
tears fill the empty plates,
the ones you used to eat breakfast on...
when you ate breakfast.
you feel trapped
you can't get out
it has you.
it's a cycle, isn't it?
you realized too late
like so many other people.
it's not glamour,
it's not easy,
it's a living nightmare.
"I want to be thin."
"I want to lose a few pounds"
"I want to love myself,"
"But now I can't."
Written by
broken  a dying flower garden
(a dying flower garden)   
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