My heart is pounding. I’m cold.

Should’ve worn a jacket instead of trying to impress someone who doesn’t even care enough about you to stop dragging you over the gravel of their soul. *******.

I didn’t eat lunch because I’m scared and confused and I don’t know how to feel even though I know I am feeling.

Stop.

And if human emotions—feelings—are such a normal thing and we feel them everyday then why do I feel so ashamed?

Because you shouldn’t feel the way you do. You’ll just get hurt.

But maybe I don’t care about the backlash of what I do now because it will only matter later, and later doesn’t matter because what is will be. I want to feel things now and be numb later because then I’ll at least be back to not caring what people say or how they treat me because anyone who’s attention I’ve wanted to get just rejects, regrets, forgets about me anyway.

You don’t need to be loved to feel love.

And I know you don’t need a person in your life, your thoughts, to get yourself to feel but I don’t care because I want to see a face when I think of love. I don’t care who it is, where they are, I just want to know that I feel—

You deserve more than this! If they hate you, degrade you, make you doubt yourself, then the way you think is no better than the way they act! They kiss their knuckles before they bruise your cheek, and they pray to God that they won’t feel guilty even though you’re the one who’s left bleeding! And I know you can’t help how you feel but you have to try because in the end you’ll just feel like ****, biting down on your lip to keep the sobs in while they watch you unravel but you’re still wrapped around their finger! And you have to let go, unravel yourself from their hold even though they’re letting you slip through their fingers and you’re still holding on! You have to let yourself go, because you want to feel but you’re pigeonholing what you allow in so only the things you know will starve you have perfect aim! You want to feel, but you’re not letting yourself feel true enough because you refuse to let go of what you want instead of looking for what you need!

*…Stop.