i remember when i'd get lost thinking about you. when i used to dream about your touch and i'd imagine it as the sun. as the warmth of earl grey. as the embers of a burning fire when it's 22 degrees out.

but when you finally spoke to me, your words were merely vacant expressions to get me to follow you to your bed and when i felt your hand, your skin was so cold that it felt like winter that entire year i spent in your arms. i eventually got frostbite. i'd drown in your eyes only because they matched the color of his-  when our lips touched, i was so wrapped up in your dangerousness that i didn't realize you were ******* the life from my lungs. i remember the first time you said you loved me, and it was so different from the last time i'd heard that.. but i almost believed that you meant it. even a lie would sound beautiful in that voice. but love seems so much more like platitude coming from your mouth than a genuine feeling. love isn't getting drunk in the sunday school parking lot three blocks from my house at midnight. or smoking in your car at 3 a.m. love takes me out in public and doesn't shatter my self esteem.

there were nights i just wanted to feel and was stupid enough to actually think you'd listen. but i'd come home and scream into my pillow wondering why you were too proud to give me a hug and walk me to my door. i refused to look at a clock for months because it was only a reminder that the only time you liked me was when i was on my knees.

you made me less of a flower and more of a ****. always doubting whether i was good enough for you and made me think that "maybe" it was possible. you are a ghost. and i can sometimes still feel you haunting me- pulling me down towards your casket, but i will not let you rip at my seams any longer.

i will not let you rip at my seams any longer.