"Just stay strong,"
they tell me.
"Just keep holding on,"
they scream at me.
Their voices like needles,
poking me, prodding me, deflating my balloon.
******* the air out of my lungs.
In the hardest times, this is all I hear.
"Hold on,
you'll make it through this."
But it's not that easy.
Sometimes the world throws one at me,
a foul ball that I can't seem to dodge.
It takes over my life, takes control of my thoughts, my feelings.
It's not up to me, take my word for it!
I try to be happy, I try to get past it,
but it doesn't help.
All I feel is this big hole of nothingness,
a pit of loneliness in the biggest crowd,
a steel bubble separating me from the rest of the world.
"Stay with us, don't try to leave.
You are loved, you are wanted,"
but it doesn't feel like it,
because half the time, the ones I thought would stay by me,
are actually rushing to run away from me.
The ones I thought would defend me and love me,
are actually the ones whispering.
They tell me I can make it,
but I don't think they've really thought about it.
"I know how you feel,
but don't forget to never let go."
No you don't!
You don't know what depression feels like,
it's not just sadness!
You don't know how empty I feel,
it's not just anger!
You don't know that I cry myself to sleep every night,
it's not just anxiety!
You don't know why every single morning,
I have to paint a smile on my face, for the rest of the world,
it's definitely not easy.
Because I'm looked down on if I show this,
if I show any sign of having human emotions,
I am ridiculed.
So instead I have to put on a mask,
I have to pretend to be just fine,
even though inside, I've been crumbling away for years and years.
The outside never reflects the inside,
that's what I've learned.
Even when you think I'm strong,
even when you think I'm holding on,
even when you think I'm making it through this,
even when you think I'm staying with you,
I'm not,
and I'm tired of pretending that I am.