i hate myself
at times i wonder if i always will
other times i wonder what it's like
to love yourself
because i don't know what that's like
and i don't think i ever will

i wonder how it feels
to look in the mirror
and want to smile at yourself
because all i know
is wanting to stab my face
until you cannot see any features
until my eyes cannot see what it hates the most
me

i wonder what it's like
to feel confident and self-assured
because all i know
is feeling embarrassed and self-destroyed
drowning in despair
when you want to swim up to the surface
but you know you shouldn't
for you are not worthy

it ***** when you are the person
that you dread to see
but are forced to

i remember trying so hard
to make myself love me
but the lies never worked
and the drugs never eased me

i love how people think
they can change my mind
just by praising me
and telling me good things
it's ridiculous really
my brain will never believe them
or let their words sink into me

i have known for a while
that i will always feel like this
i've accepted it
until now