A Late Night Incantation (work in progress)

I just feel so limited

It's 11 pm and I want to go for a drive

But my parents just won't take me

I want to go for a drive at 11pm

In my france france france sweatshirt, hair loose and all

and I want to stick my head out of the window

And I want to feel the cold air pass me by and go through my bones

And I want my hair to fly in the **** wind

and I want to listen to mainstream music and some feel good music

And I want the sky to be pitch black, with stars

And I want to pass trees and solely trees and smell the leaves and the pine cones

and I want to see the city from down below, as the street lights light up the town in golden arrays

And pass a restaurant with some music

Maybe even some random people loitering in a corner of a smoke shop with purple lights and cigarette smoke crowding everywhere

And I want to just look at them

And think about them

And what they did to get there

And I want to see a couple holding their hands and walking down the street

Even though its 11 pm

And I hope they're just happy

And I want to hold my dads big warm hand while I do all of these things

Because I got shotgun

And I want my brother to sit quietly in the back, and my dad to hum some Indian song

While I do all of these things

And I want to go to an aquarium and stare at jellyfish

Lavender jellyfish

and bright electric blue jellyfish

And pink and orange jellyfish

And I want to smell the AIR

And I want more of me to grow than the part in my brain that controls calculus and SAT

I want to grow physically and mentally and spiritually

There's a whole world out there

A whole WORLD!

And I'm in my room

My mother is in the kitchen thinking I'm doing SAT, and my dad is working and stressing over his job, and my brother is in his room writing his first interactive program

and I'm in my room, knowing i'm supposed to be doing SAT, but all I can think about is

how there's a whole messy majestic gigantic WORLD out there

And I am sitting here doing calculus and SAT

And it seems like its all for nothing

For only myself

And I know I'm not necessarily supposed to be this altruistic human being

I'm supposed to want things for myself

I'm supposed to be selfish in how I study and where I put my time but thats just not enough for me

I want to spend all day planting poppies and sunflowers

And in the night I just want to stare into infinity at the sky

And I want to cut my hair shoulder length, dye the bottom blue, get another piercing, decorate my hands with henna, and walk around in vintage crop tops and flowy pants and matte black michael kors sandals

And I want to stop watching TV and going on facebook and having superficial banter and disgusting small talk

And I want to do yoga for the right reasons

Because yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self, and I don’t want to do it solely because I want nice arms or a bendy back or a nice **** I mean even though its okay to want those things but I just want more

I want everything to be just raw and I want people to expose themselves and I want to expose myself and I want

my parents to just LISTEN to what I want

And recognize the fact that this is the third night in the row that their daughter has outwardly displayed to them that

there's chaos in her mind because she just can't handle

doing and being absolutely nothing

anymore

And I want to read about human rights and global warming and how

when a chef is cooking for a ton of people, he uses utensils to remind himself what to do next

and I want to read about forensics and how mass spectrography and chromatography help detect if someone is poisoned or not

And I really don't want to do SAT

Not because its hard or boring, or even because it seems useless but because

it just seems so *******

useless and irrelevant

And I want to stop living the life I want to live on a **** website

Because its opened my mind so much but I want to SEE sunflowers instead of

looking at pictures of them and I want to SEE

elephants and kittens instead of just

looking at them and I want to

feel a connection with a human being rather than just imagining what it would be like and I don't mean romantic relationships, no

But I just want to stop being so ignorant

And I want to know everything

And really all I want to go is forget that

I have to study tomorrow

I just want to go on a car ride

And stick my head out of the window, like a dog

Because I am happy, like a dog

Just why am I LIMITING myself?

For what???

I want to talk to people

I want them to teach me something

Because people are nature Tamille

Some people are delicate flowers

Some people are raging thunderstorms

Some people are disarrayed forests

Some will leave me breathless, some will knock me down

And some will be gardens and some will be SUNSETS and

I want them all to teach me something

And I want to speak my mind and look HIM whoever he may be

In the eye and and I want to stop being so small

And I may be insignificant but I'm an infinity

Because all galaxies are infinite

I read that there are as many atoms in a single molecule of DNA as there are stars in a typical galaxy

each of us are our own UNIVERSE

And thats why we burn too brightly sometimes and thats why we

collide sometimes and thats why we

collapse inwards sometimes and thats why we explode sometimes and start anew

And I want my soul to project outwards

I want whatever of me that is trapped in my bones to just

spill out

And I want someone to feel all the love and happiness I have in me from

across the room

And I want to stop being so closed up and insecure and timid

I think you're a towering mountain Tamille

Or thunder

I wouldn't say you're lightning

But I'd say my mom is a delicate flower and my dad is a powerful river and my brother is a colorful sky and I want to be

a forest

I just want to stick my head out of a car window, like a happy dog

Because I am happy

I don't want to be young and scared even though I know its okay to be scared

But I want to stop swallowing my words and stop being so paralyzed

Because I can do whatever I want

I must set fire to my old self

I must start anew.

Why am I so scared for WHAT

For what

Okay so what do I do now

I think saying all that was a good start

Here's whats not going to happen

I'm not going to wake up late tomorrow

or not too late

And I'll go for a walk

To the pecks

And I'll play with the chickens

And I'll read with the chickens

I'm just burning right now

And now it seems silly to sleep

Tamille, when I come to LA for winter break

We will go out on drives at 11pm, even 2 am

For the sake of living

And we will walk alongside the beach at preposterous hours of the day

Simply for the sake of living

And we won't be phonies

Because thats silly

And we must try not to be phonies

Just for the sake of living

But of course I can't just be this spontaneous extemporaneous person online

I need to be like that Offline

more than anything because I just

need to talk to people more

And I need to see the jellyfish and I watch them with their tentacles floating upwards and downwards and just there in what is to them, an abyss

Maybe we're like

jellyfish in an abyss

Like how humans just watch jellyfish in containers

Maybe we're the jellyfish

I need to be a good memory to people

Because we remember more than we think we do

So I must try my best to be a positive remembrance

I can teach someone something

I can teach a random stranger something

I can teach my mom something

I can teach my 85 year old neighbor something

I can teach you something

It feels wrong to say all that and then go to bed

So I think I'll just walk outside and stare into infinity once more

And then ask my dad if we can go on a car ride one more time

And then I'll come back in my room and read about global warming

Or maybe I'll read about global warming outside

Because a child educated only at school, is an uneducated child

And I hope you read all this because out of everyone I chose you to tell it to you

And i hope your response isn't just "go do all that then"

I hope you read all the many messages

And now I will log off of facebook

I hope you also wake up in the morning and make it a great day

Not "hope you have a good day"

But rather

Make it a great day

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